חיפוש

Transitions between houses

עודכן: 23 בדצמ׳ 2021


Danny Sasson, coach and mediator.


Yifat and Nadav are newly divorced and parents of two children, aged 10 and 14. Yifat stayed to live in the family home, and Nadav moved to live in a new house (which the children saw and approved) a few meters away so that the children could walk from house to house easily. Yifat and Nadav did everything to keep the children in the same neighborhood, in the same school, next to their beloved friends, classes, their youth movement and everything they know. So far, the ideal of divorce.


But not in all homes is the dismantling of the family unit done so, and in many cases, the reality is quite the opposite - the parents live in two separate cities and the transitions between homes are cumbersome and oppressive.


How, after all, can you produce smooth transitions between homes?


1. Communication, Communication, Communication - the children move between two houses. This requires you to be in full communication and be coordinated on all the needs and plans of the children, down to the smallest details - remembering the test they have to study for, giving them medicine, reminding them about extra-curricular activities, birthdays, remembering school equipment, books, etc.

To achieve a sense of security, children should know (depending on their age) who picks them up and when, where they sleep each day, what is expected of them in the schedule, so you need to be coordinated with each other first.


Agree among yourselves that you are doing everything to continue to produce the routine of the children's lives as if they were in one house.


2. Ensure the child feels at home - the responsibility that the children will feel at home in both homes falls to both parents, individually and together! The children should feel a sense of belonging when they come to each of the houses, that in each of the houses there will be their favourite food, toys, clothe, books...And that in each of the houses the children will know where their school uniform is, their toothbrush, candy drawer, and a clean bath towel.

And most importantly - do everything you can to increase the sense of security in relation to the other parent's home. Embrace and show positive emotions when the children tell you how it is in the second house. Be generous, and if possible, help fill in the gaps (equipment, furniture, clothing, etc.) in the other home, for the sake of the children.


3. "But with Dad it's allowed!" - The fact that you have decided on separate paths as a couple does not mean that your paths as parents are separate as well. In order to minimize the differences in rules, make a list of agreements, of what is allowed and what is forbidden, so that the children will have a similar reality in both homes. For example: determine how much time children are allowed to spend in front of the computer and TV, when to do homework, when to go to bed, when to meet friends and more. The children know how to "take advantage" of the differences between the parents, and even more when in two different homes.

Establish rules and boundaries common to both homes (share the process with children of the appropriate ages as well). Make a list of values that are important to you as parents, check with each other whether they are also acceptable to the other parent, and try not to confuse the children with conflicting values.


Parents who understand how complex life is in two homes and the transitions between them will do everything in their power to reduce their children's sense of difficulty and maintain a normative and healthy life for them.


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Danny Sasson, coach and mediator

https://sarabzion.wixsite.com/dennysason:

Website dennysason@walla.co.il:

Mail Phone: 0544604970


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